Anger issues / Current Day 2010

My cousin is still in the hospital and what they thought was a single cell Ameba in his brain Infectious disease has determined is not. It is now a waiting game in hopes of finding a diagnosis before it is too late. I worry about my Granny and cousin everyday, but it is impossible to wrap myself in this problem without attending to my own life. I would love to sit and wait with Granny and make sure he is Ok however they are 3 ½ hours away and my children need me right now. The never ending worries of a mother verses a bad episode of the TV series House.

My mother called to fill me in on more information. My mother feels the need like the rest of that side of the family to be involved in every tragedy. Funny they are never around when the good times are happening or over the last 10 years for that matter. They tend to try and indulge in the mishaps of others.

We talked for a moment and I changed the subject to the kids to try and keep it light. To my own fault I tested my mother on the assumption I have of her befriending my teenagers stepmother. His second stepmother. She is pregnant again and feels the need to take her hormonal anger out on my teenager. Over the years she has disrespected me and even threatened me over the phone. I will get into the other collateral damage his father and her have done in his life and mine later, which include physical abuse.
My assumptions were correct. My mother has befriended her and even defended her actions in our conversation. I can understand my mother making peace in order to maintain a relationship to see the kid and try and get along. We all do that when there is a split parent home. But to choose to place her loyalty in their favor just pisses me off. Especially after what has happened over the years. After I was done speaking my mind I have to say I am not surprised just continually outraged and puzzled.
What makes a mother so blinded by the facts and reality of someone that they choose to abandon their own child for that child’s abuser. The abuser being my son’s father and his destructive wife.
I told my mother she is not an intelligent person and I guess that’s what happens when you inbreed. Yes I was mean, yes that was rude. I did it and said it to test my mother and I shouldn’t be surprised. My mother chooses the side of people who in my mind are not nice or honest people. After all they committed adultery, stole money from my grandfather, and physically abused me, then spent years mentally working me over.

I know I am not an angel and have many issues, but please I would never behave the way the teenagers step mother has by harassing the child’s mother, making empty threats and continually disrespecting me in front of my son. He is my son and always will be.

My mother, I shouldn’t continue to have such anger towards or be surprised. I knew when I was a child who she was. A vessel for me to be born, nothing more….

The funny thing is, I would do anything to help her if she was in need. Because my basic human instinct is to protect myself, my children and then of course my mother.

It is like my fathers good friend said to me when I was young. He told me to stop trying to win their love, they will never love me they are nothing like me and do not have the ability to love me. They do not believe in loyalty or a tic for a tic and tac for a tac, a basic even exchange of humanity. They believe in their judgmental way and can’t see anything else.