What happens next Part one of two/ 1991

Time seemed to just blur together and what I mean by blur, as they seemed the same. My mom and I would fight then she would tell me and I was a slut or no good. I would be depressed for while then I would fight back, and my parent’s marriage was falling apart. My dad would run home in the middle of the afternoon from work to break up our arguments that we’re getting so worse. Family therapy was a joke, It was basically an hour spent blaming problems on me and telling me what I'm doing wrong. They sent me to a special school for kids with behavior problems. Most of these kids were just disabled and I was completely out of place. My self-esteem or my ability to learn anything useful in school was not happening anymore they started just sticking more labels on me, pushing me further away from reality and told me I was crazy.

I guess when there are problems; somebody has to take the blame for them, all of them. I seem to be the problem for everyone. My Aunts, or Uncles and cousins didn't come around much anymore and they told me the man who molested me as my uncle and so now there was a family feud going on of who owes who an apology. My grandparents still came around to see my little brother. I remember at dinner I would fall asleep from being so heavily medicated in the middle of dinner and then be sent to my room. If there was a family function like a wedding or a reunion I was told to stay home, and they hired a babysitter even when I was 15 years old, because I was socially unacceptable to be seen with the rest of family.
During my time at the special school and school counselor analyzed me and spoke to my mother. In his report my mother said I was manic-depressive. I think she really believes I'm mentally ill or needed me to be mentally ill to support her cause. I guess it's easier than pointing the finger at herself, or really finding out what the problems are and taking the time to sort them out. Some of my medical records have affected my entire life. The only consistency in them has been that I was highly intelligent, and socially dysfunctional. Not one of them says I am mentally ill. I remember reading one of the reports, and in the report. It said that I apologizing to the Doctor for Not Being Able to draw him a picture because my hands and body shook from the Medication. That I Was unable to eat and sleep. I had tremors all the time, I was constantly contemplating Suicide, and when I wasn't thinking about dying, I was thinking about how to find a way to feel again, because I wanted to feel something. I don't remember the details; I do remember going to the hospital a couple more times and being sent away a lot.

My mother and I had the routine down, we would fight screen hit each other. My Dad would come home from work, and then they would call the police. Then I was taken away, put in the back of the car, I would crawl under the back seat, curl up in the fetal position and cry until I got to the Mental Ward. The doctors kept upping my Medication. I kept on fighting and screaming. I was getting older and my sexuality was becoming apparent, and I was getting wiser.
I started reading about what the Medication was doing to my body, and what the side effects were or could be long term.

Did you know that high dosages of Lithium and Prozac on a teenager or adolescent that is going through puberty could be a little dangerous? Not to mention whatever else they tried to give me when I would kick and scream. I remembered they actually monitored my heart for a while because of some of the “possible” side effects.

Lithium Poisoning for example can occur in teenagers. I had most the symptoms and never really ate or slept. I had increased depression, suicidal thoughts, constant slurred speech, shakiness and nausea all the time. I was 100 lbs and could not function other than to have large outbursts to try and fight back.


It said on numerous websites that Children might be showing early signs of lithium poisoning if they develop the following: (remember I had all of them and they kept giving me more)

Diarrhea
Drowsiness
Muscle weakness
Lack of coordination
Vomiting.
Mild shakiness, especially in the hands
Thirst
Increased or frequent urination
Muscle weakness
Coordination problems

Signs of more severe toxicity include:
Giddiness
Blurred vision
Ringing in the ears (tinnitus)
Severe shakiness


Prozac Side Effects

Common side effects include restlessness, insomnia, anxiety, headache, asthenia, flu-like symptoms, fever, nausea, diarrhea, anorexia, dry mouth, constipation, flatulence, dyspepsia, vomiting, somnolence, yawn, abnormal vision, sweating, trembling, weakness, weight loss, skin rash, delayed ejaculation in men, decrease in sex drive, and there have been reports of subsequent weight gain. As with other SSRIs, an overdose of fluoxetine or combining it with other antidepressants can lead to serotonin syndrome.
Prozac may increase the risk of suicidal thoughts or actions in children, teenagers, and young adults. However, depression and certain other mental problems may also increase the risk of suicide.


The above are just some of the short-term use side effects that can occur in anyone. These side effects are listed on any major drug website. Just Google it and you will find a wide variety of information.

Now put a child on this medication for 6 years, then up her dosage once the medication is in her system. What happens is your body gets use to the medication and then you need more apparently??? Well that is what they told me. Then if you read the list of symptoms or side effects for the above drugs you will see I had most of them. The suicidal thoughts, nausea, loss of appetite, anxiety, headaches, insomnia, sever shakiness, slurred speech, and all of this while my body was trying to develop into a young women. Really what makes parents think there child is so awful to drug them to the point the child starts to have symptoms of toxicity??

All those years I spent in some sort of daze and it comes out later I was never really diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I have PTSD and need help with my anger. I don’t know how you would feel, but I was outraged for long time. I am angry with my parents and still sometimes I get a little defensive in their presences. They think what they did was justified. I think they are the crazy ones. I think they had too many kids and not enough time to properly care for them. I think they probably did there best, but unfortunately it is not good enough. Then I let go of my anger and realize I can’t live that way. I can’t be like them, and I can’t allow what they did to effect or ruin the rest of my life. I let it go and try to move on, cut my losses and forget about the rest. It has taken me years to except it all for what it is, something I made it through and became a stronger person for doing it? Honestly I don’t know how to feel about any of this anymore, I don’t know what to feel? Maybe that is OK…. I am not my parents and did not have their life, I was not in charge of my own life. What I do know is I will never do the same thing to my children, EVER!



To be continued Stay Tuned…. Part Two of What happens next to come….