Sometimes the truth hurts/ Current Day 2010

Tonight I was supposed to go have dinner with my dear old ex-boyfriend the one I love and miss when I am sad.

With everything going on…
The cousin in the hospital for brain surgery, the unhappy marriage, and the undetermined future, I felt it was best to stay close to home.
I miss the feeling he gives me, tat comfort of being understood and known without having to explain myself. However I sometimes in this sate of mind feel weak. Weak in the sense I could fuck up and do something that would ruin my new friendship with him. I might be persuaded to kiss him or even get naked and want to do more. That longing to feel a connection with him again never is far from me.

So I stayed home and went to dinner with my husband and baby. I even had a drink, some sake and warm food. I usually hate drinking; it makes me vulnerable, and then sad. It makes me think too much, along with my loss of control issues. So it is best I drink in a safe place or not at all these days.

My husband and I had a decent night, we walked and for a moment I forgot how angry I was with him. It is hard sometimes to let go of the anger or frustration. I don’t like to hold myself back, or not be able to talk about anything but I find myself doing that with him.

We are OK I feel OK, not great, not in love not much, but OK. I regret not seeing my old friend tonight but know when I am in this state of mind it is safer to not allow the chance or possibility of screw-ups. You know those things that cannot be taken back.

We are home things seemed normal today. The baby is taking a bath having his naked time and we will all go to bed early.

These are the moments I want it to work, but miss the feeling I have had in the past with my old friend. You know that person you don’t have to talk to in order to know what’s going on. My husband talks constantly and it is draining at times. I tell him to stop talking and he gets offended. I don’t mean it to be hurtful, it’s just annoying to have someone ramble and not stop. It is one thing to talk about a topic and share your point of view. But he tends to go on into a long drawn out speech trying to prove a point all the time. It is also overwhelming at times. Why can’t I say stop and have it just be stop, nothing more.

I need to get back to my writing and figure out what happened in order to figure out how to fix things now. It is frustrating I can’t share my writing and this part of my life with my husband. It is my truth.

I think a quote I read today explains what I am trying to achieve with my writing.

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act - George Orwell

I just want to be honest with myself and find out how I can speak truthfully everyday without offending others. However I guess that would take being with someone who is more like me who wants to hear the truth no matter how damaging and hurtful it can be.