In the Beginning

When I started writing I was ten years old it was and is very personal and about my life. I had to think about other people, the fact that other people are included in the story. I can't say their memory of the story is going to same as mine. I can't say my truth is the world's truth or their truth. I can't tell you what's right when it may be wrong only what I remember and how I remember it. It is my book. It is my thoughts and is my poetry. It is my emotion on the page. It is my truth, I have lost years from my experiences, but I've gained knowledge beyond my years. I've lost my soul, my heart, and I gained it back. I've moved forward, I've moved backwards, and no one can say, I never tried. I've written about what I remember, and some things
were meant to be forgotten.

So I hope others enjoy, learn, treasure, cry, while you read this and know I have no regrets. I have no guilt, no sorrow, and no blame for what my life has been it’s made me who I am today. This story is about a young girl, and how she struggled, and how she was the left and how she lost God, how she found God. How she was victimized, how she was abused. How she regained her strength, and even when they told her she was crazy. She still knew her mind was correct. This young woman me didn't always know where she belong a found out who she was. Like many of us in this world. We have moments where I'm sure, but imagine not remembering some of those moments and then finding out later what you thought was real was not the truth at all. I was a victim. I was abused. I was hurt and left with scars that you can’t see. I had to find my own way to recover and in the process caused more damage to my life. Now I look back, and like I said, there may have been a better way. There may have been a different way, but I cannot have regrets. And now I'm a woman, a strong woman not like in the fairytales but has succeeded in my life with great rewards and sorrow. I chose not to be a victim anymore. And I love that woman I see in the mirror and that's all I need to know. Someone once said to me. I was lost, and then I found me and there I stood with love. Looking back at me.

I can remember pretty far back. I remember being a beautiful little girl, fearless. My mother said I was always bold. Even when I was three years old I was scaling fences, making big plans and writing about taking care of the world that I wanted to house every lost puppy that I wanted to adopt every child without a home. My mother said I was also her hardest child due to the fact I wasn't afraid. Sometimes there is no way to punish me, but I know she loved me.

I remember being a Ton boy, always naked in the Sun. I was a pretty girl, auburn hair, the cute full rosy lips, and big green eyes. Actually my eyes turned brown, as I got older. There were six kids in my family four girls and two boys. I was smack in the middle. My parents could not have been more opposite and more in love. My father is the most brilliant man I know. He's also to me a total nerd, he stands at 6 foot four, with bright red hair and big dorky glasses. He has a double Masters degree and loves science, but more than anything Looney Tunes was his favorite show. My mother. She is the most beautiful spicy Italian woman, any man could ever want. She was a dancer in her youth standing at 5 foot with black hair green eyes and beautiful tan Italian skin. They were both 60s children and used to tell me they could not remember the 60s. So I guess they were there. They fought as much as they made love, but that's a whole other story. I remember the year I was baptized. My parents raised us Morman so was my eighth birthday and I was getting baptized. It is always funny what you remember and what you don't. I have a lot of holes in my memory, but I definitely remember the baptism. See the Morman, religion baptizes you when you're eight years old. Not at birth, they let you get in a good eight years. So you can have the ability to choose when you are eight years old, and then be cleansed. So you can start your teens with clean slate. At eight years old. I was pretty shy. I was still sweet and innocent. My hair was pulled up that day, and I was appropriately dressed in a beautiful little white dress. My daddy was so proud and my mother had the whole family there to watch. This was a pretty big deal. But when you're eight years old, you just want to do things because your parents want you to or you want to make them happy. I really couldn't tell you what I wanted at eight years old. Now there was as a whole room in the Mormon Church, where they sometimes did more than one baptism a day. There was a bathtub like area behind the curtains or the sliding doors, and everyone sat politely in front like it was a show. And they were waiting for the curtains to be drawn. There was a boys and the girl’s side are you changed before you went into this giant tub. They had music playing, and then it was my turn. So I went into the tub and my father was, there will be my hand and placing his hand on my four head. They said a prayer, and then one to you free, I was dunked. It took my daddy, three times to do the dunking and praying until I was completely emerged into the water. Because to be properly baptized is the internal cleansing of the soul and you are committed to God. So you have to have your entire body go under out once for it to work. After the show, everyone went back to my parent’s house to celebrate aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters.