Figuring it out as I go/ Current Day 2010

SO…

We have gotten this far already and there is more to come. They say writing a blog or journal is therapeutic. I think it could help, but reliving some things can be more harmful than good.

If I knew what I know now then, I would have never taken it all to heart. I would have known my experiences were just preparing me for the rest of my life. I felt back then as though nothing could get worse and that I would never make it out alive. But without these experiences and the ones to follow I would not be able to look back and see how valuable they all really are.

Doctor’s reports and my research have shown I should have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress in the beginning. That at times PTSD is often misdiagnosed in minors as other disorders. Therefore I was being treated incorrectly and more harm than good was done.

I am sure if anyone is reading this than you may be pissed, or feel badly for me. Don’t the lessons I have learned from everything are invaluable. They have made me many things but not a victim that is something negative in my eyes. I refuse to be a victim, a survivor, or the poor abused child.

There are those who when cornered cower and die, and then there are those who get up put on their boxing gloves and fight. I have cowered many times only to catch my breath and learn how to fight back. I have fought and failed many times only to find that sometimes it is best to walk away and cut your loses.

Having these struggles and having them lead to a label or diagnosis of PTSD was my challenge and at times the feeling of shame took over me. I refused to allow or admit that these things ever affected me. I would think people would just hurt me more if they think anything is wrong with me, and try and ignore the real issues. I would try not to allow any of it to get under my skin or make me react in a negative way.

I now have to admit, with everything that has happened I cannot deny or refuse to acknowledge that my unconscious behavior that part I cannot control has PTSD. I have something inside me that may never be fixed. I can only hope writing about it may help me or others who have struggled to not feel alone or ashamed anymore. I am tired of feeling afraid of what others may think of me, what others could find out or what if this means I am weak. I pride myself on being strong, but does PTSD make me weak?

I would like to believe admitting I am broken and trying to fix myself by writing is strength. But that little voice inside the one that controls my unconscious is terrified of who will try and use my scares and secrets to hurt me more.

I guess I will just have to figure it out as I go….