Another great therapy session I guess…
We talked about what has happened over the last couple weeks.
My husband comes and goes when he wants, his Aunt inappropriately called the last doctor trying to get more information. My husband has refused to allow me access to any money or have anything I need.
The end result time repeats itself I feel like I am in the same old bad situation with no way out or just waiting for things to change again. I manipulate to get what I want by giving my husband sex to make him feel some sort of connection to me. That way he relaxes for a moment and stops yelling I am crazy or being excessive.
Basically my life has become once again a series of bad choices. I chose to give up my independence, my school, and my ability to make money and trusted a man to provide my kids and me with what I need. My mistake not theirs…
If and when I can no longer provide for my kids, because that’s all that is really left here I will see it as no other alternative then to leave any way possible. My teenager needs my baby and me need me. I am writing in this blog to give myself some sort of feeling of control or way out. Other than that it is a waiting game. Maybe it will get better? But really I don’t need a relationship with my husband. That as we all know is part of who I am, I detach and once it has gotten this far there really may not be a point of return.
My therapist realizes my state of mind and encourages me to try. I would rather just get some much-needed rest and time alone. My baby refuses to sleep and this is wearing on me. I have a very hard time being nice when I have not slept. Therefore it is just a matter of time before my husband takes off again because he thinks I am mean without cause.
Let me put it to you this way. I will come to your house and take away everything you own, I will take your money and if you want anything you will need to call me and ask permission. Then after I tell you if you really need that or not, I will not give you money for anything I will personally purchase the items I feel you need and then tell you that you can’t have anything else. How does that sound to everyone? Would you be pissed, maybe yell a little?? Well then you must be crazy for yelling because anyone can live that way right?? SO why should I be unhappy??
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