The Mormon Life

1985-86

My oldest brother who is my half brother was getting ready to go on his mission to Montana. In Mormon religion, when you are a young man, you go on a mission. Let's take a moment and go over some of the Mormon beliefs and ideas.

When you are Mormon. You have to go to church for three hours every Sunday. You have to pay 10% of your gross income to the church and women are not allowed to have significant roles in the church. They are very strict, and there are a lot of rules. You cannot drink coffee, or caffeine. You cannot watch rated R. Movies, your body is pure. Therefore like any religion it has its good and bad points. They have their own book called the book of Mormon. They have their own temples that most people are not allowed to enter and growing up in the Mormon religion as a female is very different from being a male. The boys for Sunday school got to play games. The girls were taught how to be good wives. Even at the age of 10, I knew this was not for me. I wanted a career, I wanted to be somebody in my life even as a child.

I wrote about becoming a lawyer, a surgeon or a powerful woman, who went around the world and adopting children from every continent. I had no desire to learn how to quilt and budget and provide for my husband.

In the Mormon religion when you get older or as young as 18 you get married. If you ever want to have sex. Then you get to wear garments, which are special underwear underneath your clothes that give you the guidelines of what clothing is appropriate. For example, even as a child I was not allowed to wear anything but white cotton grandma brief underwear or bras. . I was never allowed to wear anything with out a sleeve on it or above my knees. I could not wear bikinis. I could not wear short shorts. The garments the adults wore were just as restricting. This insured you a ticket into heaven, among other things. If you were dedicated your ticket was into the top heaven where God lives. You see, Mormons believe that there are three kingdoms of heaven, and only good Mormons get to go and live with God. But you have to follow all the rules and don't forget 10% of your gross income. I could spend hours going over what I think is wrong and right about this religion. So I will keep it short, if it works for you then do it. I've personally don't agree with the beliefs or find any of it really useful for myself. Like any religion there are the people that represent the religion. I find the saying “God save me from your followers” explaining a lot about religion for me. Anything in life that tells you it is the only path, and the only way to be saved brings a hint of suspicion to me. The Mormons believe in the old and new testament of the Bible and their Book the Book of Mormon.
Depending on which bible you use to look up the quote you will find a large amount of verses that speak of not judging others.


John 8:7
Anyone who has no sin in their life should step forward and throw the first stone
Matthew 7-1:3
We certainly wouldn't want to be judged in the same way we judge others--so leave the judging to God, and focus on correcting your own weaknesses instead

Unfortunately I have found the most religious people tend to feel the need to do Gods work and do nothing else but judge. The Mormons have judged us all by writing there own book and telling everyone if you do not live the way we tell you to you can not come to heaven with God.
I am just saying, isn’t that God’s choice and not mans??
The people I grew up with in this church were the worst. They not only played judge but also decided to be the jury to and that is something I know God would never do.
I guess a good way to describe it would be like a pimp or criminal trying to turn a girl into the sex trade. He tells her she can only be loved by him and offers her the things she desires most right before he makes her into a slave. This is the religion to me. Nothing more than a false prophet trying to make a dollar in gods name by turning people into zombie followers who are told they can’t live without them the religion. A little secret I learned through my journeys… GOD is everywhere and he is with you for free, you do not have to pay for it, you do not have to buy it, or join it or visit it in a church. He is with you in the air, in your bathroom and does not belong to one church.

It is a horrible place to be as a child trying to find your own identity while others mock and belittle you for it. An innocent child does not have the sins as an adult and should not be tortured the way I was in that church.

When I was young, I was rebellious against everything possible when it came to my parents, especially religion. They say when you're a parent, you're supposed to lead by example. My mom and dad were busy running an office and had disabled children. There was no example, there was doing what I say and not what I do. My parents were either making out on the couch or taking swings at each other. I guess if you want to be in upper class, Californian. Something has to suffer.

I was very shy at that age. My sisters and my mother were similar personalities. They were girly girls. They liked to dance and sing and perform. I was very withdrawn. I had no interest in being a girl. My little brother and I were buddies and I was very protective of him. I was always in the role of protecting people. I was quiet and did not understand a lot of things, growing up. I didn't understand my mother and she didn't understand me by the time I was 10, that summer August 4th to be exact. Something happen that angered me greatly, and for most girls isn't a big deal, but I remember it like it was just a minute ago. I got my period, and I cursed God for it, I was so upset. How could God do something like this to me? It was inconvenient. I was swimming and playing volleyball and hanging out with my skate bored and guy friends. I must have stayed in my room for days. My mother didn't get it, she's just kind of laughed and thought I was being ridiculous. To me, I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready for any event that took my comfort away. I was only 10 years old. But I found soon after that my body grew up a lot faster than I was ready for it to. I wasn't ready to feel as uncomfortable as I did or about what was going on with my body and my mother did not know what to do with me. I know she loves me whether or not she likes me is a question on my mind to this day. But with the way she handled it was not what I needed. I cried and cried and cried and just kept on saying why does God hate me. Why would he do something like this to me. I was is a little emotional to say the least. Between being a diaper changer babysitter, student at school, big sister, and now blossoming young woman. I was a little stressed and I acted out a lot. The girls at school were getting mean. My sisters were even meaner. My mother just laughed and questioned everything I did, because I wanted to stay one of the guys forever. She did not understand why I would rather hang with the boys. THE BOYS ARE SIMPLE. Girls are complicated.

My older sister and I never got along. She was the blonde blue-eyed cheerleader, and I was the angry rocker chick. I think we must've tried to kill each other at least a dozen times in our childhood. I know she tried to sell me in the front yard and I was little. I tried to beat her up a dozen times. But when it came down to it, I would kill anybody who hurt her.

With my parents not around a lot, it was crazy at the house all the time. I made friends with a couple church kids, T, C and K only one girl. My mom never understood how it could be friends with boys and not be sexually attracted to them. Or vice versa, honestly at that age I didn’t think about it. Plus, how could I think about anything with as much responsibility, and heart ache I had. But I did try to get out of the responsibility all the time. My oldest brother was just angry about having so many younger siblings. He tortured us constantly, and since I was so stubborn. He did mean things, put me in cold showers and would make me stand out in the front yard on a chair. I remember one time, he punched the wall and then his knuckles began to bleed. So he wiped the blood down my forehead. There was constant yelling and screaming.

I had been in gymnastics for years up until that point, and I loved it, now I had to quit because I had boobs. I was always scaling the top of the fence or climbing a tree, jumping on something. I was on the swim team and was active, but once I got my period everything came crashing down. I was so uncomfortable and to go swimming was out of the question, they said I had to use a tampon and it was just horrifying. I was embarrassed. I felt like my life was over, and it was because I was a girl. With puberty, starting and five females in the house, it got crazy. I got everything early breasts, hormones, and there went the sports and all my fun. I'll never forget how, I tried to ace bandaging down my breasts so they wouldn't show because I could not deal with the fact of having them. I wouldn't buy dresses didn't want to wear clothes and was wearing men's clothing most the time. I just wanted to hide. I think my mother made it worse, when she would tell me that I couldn't be friends with the boys anymore because they looked at me differently. It was like it was dirty, to be a girl. She made it sound like everyone was looking at me as a sexual object am only 10. For the most part, with all of my worries and confusion, I was trying to be a normal kid at that point. My family had money. I was smart and was healthy, and I was never bored. I was a normal for the most part, a road bikes, played outside with the guys went to school came home went to church and thought I was okay. I never realized the evil in the world at that age. I didn't think I was pretty. I didn't think anyone else was cute. I was innocent, everything was taken care of, and everything was changing. Little did I know what lied ahead, how it was all about to change.